I sat quietly, letting the music set the mood, and started to read. A few chapters into Plan B I hadn't found Jesus and abandoned it for something else. Next up was Brennan Manning. I have the Visual Edition of his book. It's a full color text/picture mash-up, full of distressed type, grungy textures, and lots of Photoshopping. It's probably marketed for teenagers, but as a designer I am drawn to these sorts of things. I crack open the book, reading the forward before getting to the meat of the book. I don't get far before I am stopped dead in my tracks. Barely five pages in and already I'm getting inundated with truth:
"We believe that we can pull ourselves up by out bootstraps - indeed, we can do it ourselves. Sooner or later we are confronted with the painful truth of our inadequacy and insufficiency ... We secretly admit that the call of Jesus is too demanding. That surrender to the Spirit is beyond our reach. We start acting like everyone else."
What was I doing? I had set out his morning to become spiritual again all by myself. I turned on some Christian music, started reading some Christian books, and expected God to show up. I had done my part of the equation, now I just had to wait (impatiently) for results. Okay, God, I'm putting in my quiet time, now pay up. Make me feel spiritual again. No wonder I wasn't getting anywhere. I was going about it for all the wrong reasons.
Brennan Manning sure knows what he is talking about. For a long time now I've let myself believe that I could do things myself. And without even realizing it I fell away, finding it hard to follow the teachings of Christ, to read the Word, to remember to pray. When I started college as a Freshman, I eagerly read my Bible. I distinctly recall walking around our campus thinking, how can someone see this much beauty and not think of God? But now, four years later, I show up to church on Sunday mornings wondering where the week went and pledging yet again that this will be the week I dust off my Bible and start reading again.
This past Sunday was one of the most spiritually charged services I have been to in a long time. It was one of those sermons that revivals are born from. We wrote on the wall behind the pulpit Raise The Level of Risk. Unleash the passion. Rethink your relationship with Christ. And many from the congregation signed their name to the movement. I felt like something huge was starting. Jim, our pastor, made the comment on Facebook later that every time he thought about it he was reminded of the song "What Do We Know of Holy?" by Addison Road. I looked up the lyrics, and found myself in them. I talk the whole time instead of listening, too. I've learned to talk about Jesus without following through. What do I know of holy?
I flipped open my Bible, like I should have done in the first place. I find myself in John 6, and read where Jesus says, "The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing."
I can't do it myself. I can't shut myself in my room with a stack of books and a scented candle and become spiritual again. I have to go to God. I have to pray, and shut up and listen to what He has to say. I read this last night in Ephesians, and it has been stuck in my mind ever since. This is my prayer, not just for myself, but for everyone else struggling with being distant from God:
I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. [Eph. 3:16-19]
