International Quirkyalone Day

I first learned about the concept of the Quirkyalone in an Advanced Composition class I took in college (I was an English major, we had lots of classes with ambiguous titles). The course revolved around a textbook of essays, including Sasha Cagen's People Like Us: The Quirkyalones which I immediately loved.

A Quirkyalone is the term Cagen coined to describe herself, a perpetually single romantic. On her website she defines a quirkyalone as "a person who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and prefers being single to dating for the sake of dating. It’s a mindset. Quirkyalone is not anti-love. It is pro-love. It is not anti-dating. It is anti-compulsory dating." I love that she promotes the idea of being content with oneself whether you are in a relationship or not. Since the essay was first published in 2000 it has become a world-wide movement, including books, meet-ups, and even a holiday - which just so happens to fall on Valentine's Day.

You can learn more about this movement at the website, quirkyalone.net. And if you think you might be a Quirklyalone, you can take the quiz here and find out! (I'm a 98, Very Quirkyalone, in case you were wondering.)
 

The Meantime

A few weeks ago our Women’s Bible Study threw a bridal shower for a lady from our church. She had been dating a wonderful man from our congregation, and after 40 years of being single she was going to remarry – with her son giving her away and her daughter as her maid of honor. We couldn’t have been happier for her.

As we sat around eating celebratory cake and admiring the blushing bride, one of the older ladies in the group turned to me and the two other young women who were there and said, “We have so many great young people in our church, we need to get them married off! I pray all the time that you all find godly spouses.”

My gut reaction was, “Hallelujah! I’m not the only one praying that I find a nice boyfriend!” But after I got home from the party that night I couldn’t get her comment out of my head. Sure, knowing that someone was praying about me and my future spouse was awesome, but why did I need to get “married off?” What was the rush?

I know it’s always been a rite of passage, but lately I’ve been getting the impression that a person is not a true adult until they get married and settle down. I’ve watched it happen – one week they’re boyfriend and girlfriend, being goofy, still at the kid’s table at holiday dinners; the next they’re officially engaged, seriously considering their future, and basking in their newfound wisdom. It’s like that little diamond ring comes with its own Get Out of Childhood Free card that propels its holder into the world of dinner parties, mortgages and 401(k)s. You could be 35, college educated, own your own home, regularly volunteer, and recycle, but as long as you’re single you’re still treated as if you’re skirting the edge of adulthood. Like you’re doing all that to kill time until real life starts.

I once had a friend whose aunt asked her at a wedding what she was planning to do with her life until she got married. I remember her being utterly frustrated that her family considered her life to be in limbo until she settled down. And rightly so; she had plenty of ambitions that her relatives saw as merely distractions until she was properly wed. In a recent blog post about Christian singles, David K. Wheeler talks about the same thing:

“The meantime, though, is what I think is important. The fact that it is even the meantime is a bit disappointing to me, that singleness is just this thing we cope with until we find a compatible mate. Singleness is a valuable time, and not just to learn how to be the best husband or wife you can be – being single isn’t marriage boot camp. Being single is its own valuable thing, vital to communities sacred and secular alike.” (“Single is the Hardest Word,” throwmountians.com)

I like that. Being single isn’t preparation for life; it is life. Not that marriage is bad, by any stretch of the imagination, but treating people who aren’t married like they’re not as important as their wedded friends isn’t good either.

After all, it took the lovely woman from my church 40 years to find the right guy. And I'm glad she didn't rush.

Ring By Spring

Yesterday I was walking across the courtyard to my apartment complex and saw that one of my neighbors had put up some new decorations in their window. It looked all red and cutesy, and I rolled my eyes, annoyed that they had Valentine's Day stuff up and it's not even February yet.

Then I saw the wedding bells. Those annoying, 1950s, 3D tissue paper wedding bells, hanging from their outside lamp like a pair of fuzzy dice for your car. It was only when I got closer that I saw the Congratulations banner on the door and the badly made sign that read, "The Future Mrs. Lewis*". I wanted to throw up a little.

"Marriage is an epidemic here," I heard a character in an old black and white movie say the other day. My apartmentmate and I laughed, joking that we should get shirts with that quote on it. And it's true here on our campus, marriage is an epidemic. Just since classes started in the fall, I have heard about five (six, counting The Future Mrs. Lewis) couples who have gotten engaged. That averages out to about one couple per month, and that's just the people I know, not including everyone else on campus. Christian colleges like mine are the only place in the world that you can find this phenomenon.

People here seem to believe that marriage is the be-all-end-all to human existence. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against marriage. I myself hope to get married some day. But on my campus, people tend to think that if you've been dating for five minutes that you're in love and should get married. Guys come here looking for a girl that will make him dinner and do his laundry while he's out doing his job: reaching people for Jesus (we have a lot of ministry majors). Girls come looking for that perfect guy  so that they can have a beautiful wedding before settling down and starting to have babies. In all honesty it's an unhealthy situation. No one knows what to do with a girl who wants to have a career outside of taking care of children, or a guy who wants to drop out of school in order to care for the homeless. Heaven forbid they break out of the traditional mold and live up to their full potential. (Disclaimer: this is in no way saying that stay-at-home parents aren't living up to their full potential. I am just pointing out that not everyone is meant for that type of lifestyle.) 

I wish that Christians, especially those that I interact with here at school everyday, could see that there is more to life than something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue. More than that, not everyone is meant to be married. Now that is something you don't often hear in the Christian world today. If you listen closely you'll notice that when youth group leaders teach abstinence, the phrase is "saving yourself for marriage" - not keeping your mind and heart pure, not learning to deal with lust, but waiting until you get married. No one ever talks about the call to be single, or how to interact with couples without feeling like the fifth wheel, or what to say at family reunions when all your cousins have babies and your Aunt Edna is harping on you, wanting to know when you'll be the one with the baby. That's the kind of stuff they need to write books about. Not all those Christian young adult dating advice things. News flash: life isn't all about sex. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one here who has noticed that.